It Won't Be Easy.. but it will be OK

It's been almost one year since my last post. I have at least 9 unposted drafts, which I started but never finished. I have had a LOT on my plate and on my mind. Some people have told me I should have been posting during all that's been happening, but I've felt like I've had so much to focus on that I couldn't effectively nail down ONE coherent thing to articulately write about. I have had some time to sit down and reflect on all of it. I've taken a look at the past year as a whole, gained some insight, and am finally ready to let it out, and move on.

Do you know how you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

You might want to grab a seat, make a sandwich, and pour yourself some wine (or whiskey).. cuz this one could be a doozie.

CAREER 

My last post was short.. very short. 

It was right after I had lost my job been fired. Yep.. Let me say that again:

I was FIRED.  ..Let go..  ..Terminated..

It still makes me sick to think about.

It was the first time I've ever been fired (without my agreement & consent). I was DEVASTATED. I knew it was COMPLETELY my fault, and that it could have been prevented. It happened because I allowed myself to become consumed with issues in my personal life. I let thoughts about them invade my mind when I should have been focusing on work. I became obsessed. I neglected the duties I was getting paid to do, because I was too busy trying to figure out how to fix and control everything else in my life. I was given the opportunity (more than once) to speak up and ask for help. I didn't. I sat silently, in fear. This is nobody's fault but MINE! I have grieved this, accepted this and spent much time analyzing & correcting it, doing my best to prevent it from happening again.

Retrospectively, I can see where this loss was a contributing catalyst to another significant loss that has been brewing in my life for a long time. I've struggled with whether or not, or even how to write about this next subject, but I pride myself on appropriate transparency. So, since this loss is now a big part of my story, it's something worth being transparent about.

MARRIAGE

My husband and I have been living separately for about 6 months, and are in the process of getting a divorce. Some people may not agree with, or even understand my decision to dissolve our marriage. They don't have to. Lots of loving, well-meaning people have given me their opinions and advice. Some were helpful, and some were hurtful. And although I appreciate them all, I don't have to accept damaging advice, no matter how well-meaning it is. I don't judge, hate, or even dislike them for their points of view. We all see things differently and speak based our own stories and experiences. The truth is, NONE of them have lived my life, and NONE of them know EXACTLY how I am feeling. Some sympathize with me. Some even have empathy for me, but only I get to decide what is right for ME. Out of respect for my husband, my family, and the situation, those are all the details I will give about the "why" here. 

Yes, I realize there weren't actually any tangible "why" details..

that was not unintentional.

No matter what happens, he will always be the father of my children, and I will always love him in a very special way. I don't need (or want) to bad mouth their father to them, or anyone else for that matter. We will continue to be in each other's lives, and will have to work together to raise semi-well adjusted, decent, compassionate, contributing members of society. For me, our children's health, happiness, and best interests will always come before any issue he and I are dealing with between the two of us.

SELF

I think I will always be grateful for this horribly painful experience & process, as it has helped me to do something that I'm not sure I've ever really done before.. focus on myself. Not in a selfish way, but in a way to be able to see the parts I've played in our issues, acknowledge my own faults, correct them, and grow. I've had the opportunity to realize my own needs, and decide how to go about meeting them. It's taken me a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time to figure out what they are. Honestly, I still don't have it entirely mastered. ..I might not ever. But, I have a direction. I have a starting point.

I am finding that now, more than ever, I need to really listen to and take care of myself. I'm learning to use the skills I'm developing to focus on one thing at a time and put first things first. I've seen first hand that when you are caught up in someone else, you lose yourself. It doesn't happen instantly. It happens gradually.. little by little, in the every day things. It is exactly what I found had happened to me. As I focused on trying to fix or change someone other than myself, things that were once important to me went by the wayside. Soon, I couldn't even remember what was actually even important to me.. what I enjoy, what I dislike, who I am, who I want to be. What once seemed happy and blissful, was hollow and empty. A smile was just a mask I wore, and I felt like a shell of a person. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize the reflection staring back at me. The reflection I should have been paying attention to this entire time.

BUTTERFLIES 

When life has gotten really tough for me, I've tried to focus on the good in the situation or in my life & hang on to it. I know that my perspective and attitude can make a BIG difference, and unlike outside forces and influences, it is something I CAN control. At some points, remaining optimistic has been EXTREMELY hard to do!  I would write my gratitude lists, and refocus my energies on the positives, and that helped  ..but on some occasions, that just wasn't enough. Sometimes it helped to picture myself as a caterpillar, in my cocoon, undergoing deep metamorphosis, who would someday become a butterfly. For obvious reasons, many people consider the butterfly as a symbol of powerful transformation. The story of their creation is beautiful and inspiring. It is filled with growing pains, times of ravenous hunger, vulnerability, and moments of miraculous expansion. It helped me to envision myself in transformation rather than destruction.

I've often wondered if the caterpillar knows what it is doing when it enters the chrysalis stage, and what it will become. Does it know how beautiful it will be? Or does it surrender to the fact that it has served it's purpose as a caterpillar, can no longer survive as one & takes a leap of faith into an unknown destiny? Either way, the caterpillar does create it's cocoon and begins the process of change. It breaks down almost entirely, leaving only the vital pieces, and forms a new creature inside it's protective shell. What I find so inspiring about this magnificent insect, is that so much of it's journey has to be done independently. In order to survive the transformation & thrive, the butterfly MUST emerge from this cocoon ITSELF. It must struggle to push it's way through the tiny opening of it's cocoon. This pushes fluids out of it's body and into it's wings, allowing them to develop properly. As painful as it can be to watch, if you try to help, you could prevent the butterfly from ever being able to fly. I believe this is such a valuable lesson for us to learn as friends. Sometimes, the best thing we can do to help someone who is struggling is to let them struggle, and allow them to grow and transform themselves.

Give them the chance to learn how to fly.

The reality is I can no longer survive as a caterpillar. This life stage has served it's purpose, and prepared me for the next. I don't know what the future looks like, and getting there sometimes looks daunting and scary. Walking this journey has been a long and painful process. Although I am certain not all the pain is done, I am confident there is much joy to come. I know that as long as I focus on what I need to be doing for today, I will emerge a beautiful, healthy, strong butterfly. ..and THAT is something I look forward to! I also know that not everyone likes butterflies, but I find comfort in remembering that not everyone has to. 

I'm not perfect. I'm still a work in progress. 

..and that's ok.  

Be kind to yourself..

At one point or another we all need help. 

Do not be afraid to ask for it! 

It does not make you any less successful, and will most always make you better.

No matter what happens today, I'll be OK..

A few months ago, I was introduced to the brave & inspiring story of Heather Von St. James, and a few clicks later I was watching this video, trying not to let my kids see me cry. "In 2005, at the age of 36, and only three months after giving birth to [her] beautiful daughter Lily Rose, [she] was diagnosed with pleural mesothelioma." She was given just 15 months to live.

Now, I'm no math major, (or English either apparently) but even I can calculate that difference in my head. She has SURVIVED much longer than than her prognosis ..8 years to be EXACT! She had her lung removed and "was more afraid than [she'd] ever been". Her sister nicknamed the surgery LungLeavin' Day and now they celebrate it. Every year on February 2nd, for the anniversary of her surgery, friends and family gather to write their fears on plates and smash them into a bonfire! It is about facing your fears, and letting them go.


In keeping with the true fashion of my household, I'm late! Although I didn't learn about Heather's AMAZING story until AFTER February 2nd, I had wanted to celebrate by the end of February. I don't have a calendar nearby, but I'm pretty sure it is NOW it is almost APRIL! But, when has being late EVER stopped me before???? In fact, I may have missed LungLeavin' Day, but now I am right on time for Asbestos Awareness Week.  
I guess good things DO come to those who wait..

So, during our dinnertime family meeting, I told the kids this story of hope. We had a wonderful (age appropriate) conversation about acknowledging, facing, and conquering fear. With hope, the odds don't matter!

I asked them what some of their fears are, understanding that my babies are still little. At 2 & 4 years old, fears look different from Mommies' & Daddies'. As adults, our fears are usually psychological or spiritual; whereas kids fears are more psychical. You know, things they can see, or touch, or run from. On paper plates, I wrote down what they told me and drew pictures, depicting what they said, since neither one of them can read yet. Then Hunnie & I wrote ours too!


We explained that we don't want to make decisions for our lives based on fear, and that we will NOT let it control us.

Their faces lit up when I told them we were going to rip up the fears AND the plates they were written on!

This portion required very little instruction, besides "wait for Mommie"..

..it was like they had done it before!

Why are kids SO good at destroying things?????

My biggest fear is something that I think about constantly, even though I know I have NO control over it. I want to protect my children from EVERYTHING bad that could happen to them. I know that this isn't realistic, but I don't want them to make all the same mistakes I did. Even though looking back, I wouldn't change a thing about the poor choices I made because they have ALL led me to where & who I am today, I would rather my babies not learn the hard way. So, for today, I will let it go and know that God is in control!

Hunnie joined in the fun in his own special way, and of course the kids were quick to follow his lead.

And for my family, ripping them up wasn't enough, there was also some stomping involved.

We still have fears. We still get scared. We don't always write them down on plates to rip them up, although BabyGirl keeps asking "I rip 'em up my plates?", but now they know that EVERYONE has fears and we can talk them thru without letting them consume us.

April 1 - 7 is Asbestos Awareness Week

Please join me in spreading hope and be a voice for the victims.

 What can you do?

You can find Heather Von St. James on Facebook, Twitter, or through The Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. 

You can support Heather by sharing her video, and blog. 

You can also donate to Heather's fundraising page for

The Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation.

<--------------Donate Your Social Status

◌◌From awareness grows hope.◌◌

 ◌◌Each voice could save a life.◌◌

My first 90 days (and beyond)..

In the last 6 months, I have started a new job, redecorated & reorganized our home, gone off the budget deep end & then gotten back on board (maybe a couple times), and most importantly: tried to work on myself, my family, and my relationships. Let me start by saying, I feel blessed EVERYDAY to be in the position I am. Maybe because I have previously had imperfect situations for comparison, or because I'm just at a point in my life where I don't want to be bogged down by negatives. I know I don't keep my home as clean as some people think I should. Yes, I don't always get the time I want with my family or friends. I probably yell at my children more than I am proud to admit, and I don't give my husband as much attention as he TRULY desires. BUT, I have some of the GREATEST people in my life & I enjoy EVERY moment I get to share with them (virtually or in REAL LIFE)! And sure, there are some people I sometimes have to interact with professionally that I would care NOT to.. but, for the most part, I LOVE my coworkers, my job, the company, and my boss! I am undeservedly blessed beyond explainable gratitude!

So, I recently sat down with my boss for my Standard On-Boarding 90 Day Review and got something I never imagined. I've NEVER worked at a company before that had such a GREAT HR department as a whole, with GREAT On-Boarding & ongoing programs/procedures, who actually did REAL reviews. I had NO idea what to expect.. but, my boss is always giving me the thumbs up, so I figured it couldn't be THAT bad. He prefaced our meeting with saying, "I did write this a while ago, so some of these things don't apply anymore", to which I nodded and smiled. (silly, silly girl) All in all it was a fairly accurate assessment and more than decent review. (Nothing that would be cause for disciplinary action) However, it DID make me re-evaluate myself on a professional AND personal level.

Now, I've played this meeting in my head over and over, and re-read the review no less than 20 times.. Some people may call this obsessive, and it might be PROBABLY is. However, I like to do my the BEST in every area of my life. ANYTHING less than PERFECT is UNACCEPTABLE! Yeah.. soooo, I'm working on that too. In every task I tackle, I hear my inner voice, which sounds like a combination of both my Grandmothers, saying "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well & with JOY". So, I figure that IF (heaven forbid) there IS something I need to work on, I need to be aware of it, review it and make a conscious effort to correct it. How ELSE can I do that if I don't obsessively burn it into my memory??

Here is the "Competency Rating Scale":

1. Unacceptable: Fails to meet requirements
2. Improvement Needed: Need for further development/improvement in area
3. Meets Requirements: Meets requirements in area
4. Exceptional: In many cases exceeds requirement

Here is the Readers Digest Version of my review:

WITH my internal conversation that was happening DURING the meeting

SPECIFIC REVIEW FACTORS:

• Progress learning the job duties and responsibilities: Meets Requirements - Comments: " I have already started Heather’s cross training in other areas of the department" No shocker there.. Next??
• Volume of work: Meets Requirements - Comments: "she will need to prioritize her efforts so all aspects of her job role are covered in an acceptable amount of time" True! *plus he noted that he had already begun to re-evaluate this comment based on what he realizes I HAVE been doing
• Quality of work: Meets requirements - Comments: "…has made no errors and continues to ask questions. She is very proactive in making a process leaner for her area of duties. I feel this is Heather’s strongest area at this time." I'm pretty sure you meant to choose 'EXCEPTIONAL', but I'll take it..
• Ability to follow instructions/do what's expeced: Improvement Needed WHAT?!?!?!?! - Comments: "Heather is eager to help and has very good follow-through, Uh-huh.. where is the improvement part? however, YES??? I have had a few encounters with her where she has directly questioned my instructions. OK, I know SPECIFICALLY which TWO incidents you are referring to, noticed "the look" and can explain. *Don't interrupt.. wait until he's finished to counter with your rebuttal. As her manager it is my responsibility to make the best decision for the problem/issue we are trying to solve and as her manager it will be my responsibility if I did not give the correct direction. I couldn't agree more! Heather needs to improve in this area immediately. CHECK! *he noted he has ALREADY seen correction on this, and gave me kudos for noticing it myself If Heather has suggestions that might help to improve a process or needs further clarification on an explanation, she should work to verbalize this a productive way." Noted!
• Overall attitude: Improvement Needed There MUST be a typo! - Comments: 'Heather is very upbeat with a great attitude, Yep, this is good, right? however, There you go with that however AGAIN.. I have been approached from others Others?! Who are these OTHERS? I want names, dates, and signed affidavits! about the “tone” in which Heather deals with people in her conversations. Ok.. yeah, I DO use sarcasm more often than is polite when conversing. I'm working on it.. Heather has a strong personality, which can be great in some areas, but can also tend to “rub” people the wrong way at times. Hmmmm.. not the first time I've heard this This is something that Heather will need to remain aware of at all times and I feel this can be easily corrected now that it has been brought to her attention.' Well, thank you for your vote of confidence

GOALS AND OBJECTIVES: 

• "Heather met the initial [90 day] goal I set for her within the first few weeks of employment… and now is branching off into other areas. Great job Heather!" Thank you!
• "I am fully confident in Heather’s abilities to have an impact on any project she is involved in." Darn tootin'
• "Heather meets all requirements for her job role.  She has made no errors and is being proactive in settling issues and making corrections for the teams.  Her knowledge of Microsoft programs is impressive and will benefit her in times to come.  I am excited to have Heather as part of the department and team.  Heather, please use this review as a tool to help you succeed here.  Your work is exceptional and with a few corrections you will be on your way to excellence.  Thank you for making the extra efforts." The feeling is mutual!!!!!

Deep breath, Heather, deep breath! I shook his hand and said "Thank you" 

Like I said, it was a fairly accurate assessment and MORE than decent review. He did a WONDERFUL job of wording it, being encouraging while also gently correcting. But it still bothered me that it wasn't an 'all-Exceptional' review, and ANYONE thought I wasn't just the best thing since Unicorns. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the areas for improvement he pointed out didn't just apply to my work life. 

You see, I believe that God has given us all gifts to use in our lives. I was blessed and cursed with a quick wit and a sharp tongue. It has gained me a few accolades, but has also gotten me into PLENTY of sticky situations I had to later apologize for, and cower my way out of with my tail between my legs. We can choose to use our gifts for good & to help people or we can use them for hurt & harm. I pride myself in being a people person, and sensing personalities & situations, without losing a unique sense of myself. It has taken me years to find this line, and apparently I still haven't perfected it. I just keep reminding myself, it's OK to need improvement.. It gives you the opportunity to GROW!

Since the review, I have been trying to be more present in my interactions. If I go into 'thoughtless' auto-pilot, I tend to let the sarcasm take over. I have tried to be even more in tune with my audience, and let them lead the conversations. I don't need to say everything that comes into my head (this is NOT a no-brainer for me) and not everyone cares about my opinion. If they do they will ask for it.. and even then I should be kind in my delivery. I am still a work in progress, but I feel like I am progressing. Thank you for letting me grow so transparently!

..but What if my Best isn't good enough?

Dear mom who can do it all,

Please forgive me for not living up to your expectations. I always try not to mock you when I don't understand or relate to you, because secretly I envy your perfection & extensive range of abilities and talents. Sometimes I feel like I stayed home sick the day they handed out the SUPERMOM pills. You must have taken my dose along with yours. Now you're unstoppable! It pains me to admit this, and I cringe as I am writing it, but I CAN'T do it all! I'm just trying to do my best.. but some days it feels like my best isn't good enough for you.

I do not stay home with my two young & impressionable children to personally mold their minds and characters. Yes, I leave the house every weekday to clock in & out of a job that monetarily pays me twice a month. Yes, I drop off my precious gifts from God at a pre-school which I carefully selected & entrust at-one-time-strangers with their well-being daily. It's not because I am lazy, or selfish, or because it's what my mom did. I know how hard it was for her. It's not because I think staying home would be too hard. I know it is! It's not because that was the plan that Hunnie & I discussed before we started growing our family. And although I have worked my whole teenage & adult life, and didn't ever picture myself not working (even if it isn't with a big degree or a great career), it's not because of that either. I do what I do because I HAVE to. Simple as that. Our family relies on my income to SURVIVE. We're not talking about paying for privileges, trips, or extras. We are talking 'four walls' bare minimum. I am happy that you have planned and are able to stay home with your sweet babies, but that is just not that state of my current family situation. I respect your choices, and I'd like to think you would do the same for me. I also hope my delinquents don't corrupt your angels some day.

I do not buy all organic, sugar free food and prepare beautifully home-cooked meals every night. I do try to make healthy choices for my family, but I can't always afford all the options I see you pinning or even the ones I pin. Don't get me wrong, my kids get plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and they don't pig out on junk food. They barely ever get candy or juice, and when they do get juice it's watered down. I just mean I ad-match at Walmart and buy the cheap peanut butter and jelly to make sandwiches for lunch every day. If I'm being honest, Daddy makes those sandwiches & the rest of the lunches 99% of the time. My pantry isn't stocked with exactly the right ingredients, and I don't shop on the same day every weekend. Sometimes I make plans with friends, run out of ALL food options mid-week, and end up shopping at night while Daddy's putting the restless to bed. I only recently started cooking weeknight dinners regularly. ..and ONLY because I was forced to with Daddy's increased work schedule. Due to my later work schedule, crock-pot meals have become a staple in our house. Thank goodness for you creating those recipes, or we would starve! Confession: even one out of every ten of those I let burn around the edges.

I'm not always fashionable. Honestly, the days that I put it all together & coordinate, I get there by asking myself "What would she do?" I consider it a victory if I wake up early enough to shower at least 5 days a week. I don't have our home decorated and staged daily like a magazine shoot is happening. I'm working on it, but the camera crew never shows up, so why rush? I don't have an activity or advent calendar for every holiday. I've done a few and try to focus on the ones that are important to us. I have to sleep SOME time! I teach & demonstrate manners, love, and kindness.. but sometimes I raise my voice, throw tantrums, and pout ..and so do my kids. I probably let my kiddos have more mostly educational screen time than they should, just so I can get stuff done or a moment of piece. I'm usually late wherever I go ..and it's not the toddler's fault. I miss my kids when I am away from them for an extended amount of time, but I never had the separation anxiety. I didn't blink twice when Nannie asked to take the Bubbster to her house 400+ miles aways for 6 weeks right after he turned one. I plan to buy books from the Scholastic drive EVERY time, but forget to turn in the form 83.7% of the time. I don't think I've successfully sent out Christmas cards since we were a family of two. This year will be different! We took WAY more pictures of the Bubbster his first year than BabyGirl, but didn't do the 'watch me grow' pictures with either one. Shoot, we didn't even do family portraits every year. If you can claim you have all of these accomplishments under you belt, kudos! I would be happy with ONE.

We may have made different choices in our lives to get us to where we are today, but in many ways, you and I are no different. We both love our families, and would do ANYTHING for them. We never could have imagined what the lives we have to today would truly look like, and now can't imagine it any other way. As we celebrate this day of Thanksgiving, and my littles are snoozing (thanks to Daddy), I am enjoying reviewing my thankful list. I am grateful for the family the Lord has blessed me with. The trials & tribulations that have made us stronger, and the things that are still yet to come. I am so thankful for the friendships growing each day with people who are open, honest, and authentic. I hope you have friends like this in your life. How could you make it this far without them? People who are not afraid to be vulnerable & raw with you, and listen when you need it. People who remind you constantly that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. People who allow me to be thankful for you, and the amazing person you are. ..even if I'm not.


With a grateful heart,
~The Mommie with endless laundry waiting to be folded & 20 socks missing mates

Music To My Ears

**Warning: this is LONG! But, so was the process**

I recently saw a new job posting at a GREAT company that I have applied to in the past. Yes, I currently have a job. It pays the bills. However, I don't see myself spending the rest of my career here. So, I filled out the online application and submitted my resume. "WHY?" you ask: Well.. What's the worst that could happen? They aren't interested in me, I keep the job I have, and nothing changes? I'm pretty sure the answer is a no brainer!

• Friday (Wk 1) -  The beginning: I received a call that HR wanted to do a phone interview with me the following Monday. I printed out the job listing.. reviewed it & my resume, as well as common interview questions (to answer & ask). I wrote down all the things I didn't want to forget on the spot. You know, when the pressure is on and you can't even remember your own name. 

• Monday - Phone interview: She had a few questions I didn't 'prep' for, but I think I was still graceful. If they were interested she would call to schedule an interview for later that week, if not I would get an email. I have never wished more for new mail alerts to be sales promotions trying to get me to spend money I didn't have on something I didn't want!
• Tuesday - HR called to tell me they wanted to do a face to face interview the next day. I was excited, anxious, and stressed.. yet somehow calm. I knew that if I was good enough to get a call back, I would ROCK the interview. I studied myself again, figured out what I wanted to focus on, and decided what questions I wanted to ask them.
• Wednesday - Face to Face: I felt like it went well. The conversation was smooth, and their eyes lit up a few times when I was speaking. When I asked, she told me she had done 7 phone interviews, had 1 other face to face scheduled, and 70 applications she hadn't reviewed yet. YIKES! That's a LOT of people!!! *BREATHE* Same deal, if they were interested she would call me to move forward, if not I would get an email. She said I would hear either way within a week. Back to the email anticipation game..
• Thursday - Follow up: Dropped off handwritten Thank You cards for both people I interviewed with. ..and waited.. And I thought the last waiting period was hard! This one was almost as bad as the week after my due dates, waiting for my kiddos to make their grand entrances! It was a reasonable amount of time, but because there was a weekend in the middle, it felt like an ETERNITY. EVERY email made my heart drop, every call gave me butterflies.

..and waited.. ..and waited..

This process has been very good for me. In interviews of years past, I would attempt to be the perfect fit for the company. Trying to decipher what I thought THEY wanted me to be, and what THEY wanted me to say. After being through many seasons in life and my career, I have started to view interviews differently. For starters, this time I don't have anything to lose but have so much to gain. I am not desperate to get a job, which makes a HUGE difference. But mostly, I don't have to shape myself into their mold. If they don't think I am the right fit for their company and that position, I'M NOT! ..and it is not where I SHOULD be..

• Tuesday (Wk 2) - Skills test: Finally got a call from someone in HR letting me know I would be receiving an email with tests evaluating my math, grammar/spelling, auditing, analytical, and Excel 2010 skills. GOOD SIGN! That night, while my son was in VBS, I sat in the church office and took the tests. Overall, I felt confident in my scores. However, there were some of the excel tasks i got 'incorrect' because I didn't follow the path the program believed I should. Who doesn't click across the tabs until they find the icon they need? Who knows immediately whether to choose Format, Design, or Layout to change the look of a chart?? Well, not me! And so I waited..

..and waited.. ..and waited.. ..and waited..

For years, I have worried about if I was good enough, or what I should say. This time has given me an opportunity to truly and honestly look at myself. I get to see where my strong skills are, and where I need to improve. I can look retrospectively at my career, and current position. Where have I improved? What have I accomplished? What IS it that sets me apart from the rest? God has given me this opportunity to fine tune myself and grow. I've been allowed to feel confident in the gifts I have to provide, and learn new ways to get better.

• Monday (Wk 3) - Switch up: HR called to let me know they were still VERY interested in me as a candidate for the position. However, there were some new developments unfolding and wanted make sure I would be okay with a change in the shift schedule, pushing it back by an hour. It still fit within by daycare time frames, and since it is MUCH closer to home I said 'no problem. that should be fine'. Maybe we'll all get to eat breakfast together as a family!
• Tuesday -  But wait, there's more: Scheduled a follow-up interview with another manager.

..time to prep again..

Through all of this, I know that God is in control, and I am only praying for His will. It doesn't help ease the anxiety that comes with excitement and waiting, but He does calm my fears and takes away my worry. He has a plan for me!

• Wednesday (Wk 4) - 2nd Interview: Negatives of having an interview at the end of your work day. You are worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your appearance (hair, makeup, clothing) is not as fresh as first thing in the morning.. you are WORN! You can touch up your makeup, and fiddle with your hair, but it's still not the same. Can I remember my key points? By this time of day, I can barely answer the question 'What's for dinner?'
  
• Thursday - Thank You Cards: Feeling confident that the interview went smoothly, I sent another round of cards expressing my growing interest and excitement in the position and company. They said they would contact me by the end of the week. That just leaves today and tomorrow!!!!
• Friday - D-Day: Crickets all day.. then on my drive home from work, I got the call..

After a four week process, it doesn't feel real. Could everything I have been hoping and praying for actually be happening? Somebody pinch me! I am filled with excitement, anticipation, and joy. Part of me knew that this would be the outcome. Everything just seemed to fit and flow so perfectly. The other part of me did not want to set myself up for disappointment. I have been open to just following the opportunities as they come. It looks like this time it has worked in my favor.

..Now to give notice, and say my goodbyes. There are quite a few people I love working with, and will miss dearly. They are the only reason I feel any sadness or guilt about leaving. I have enjoyed my time with them, and wish I could prevent them from uncomfortable transitions. I don't know how long it will take them to select someone to fill my position, who it will be, nor their qualifications. I hope my replacement is far better than I ever was, and my co-workers have smooth sailing moving forward. Hopefully the new person will be an excellent fit, and everyone will be saying 'Heather who?'.

I'd Like To Thank All The Little People

..coming in at (MY) lucky number #5!

And a BIG THANKS to La'Shawn at March {to} December for thinking highly enough of me to nominate!

After the little bit of research that my time schedule would allow, I was unable to pinpoint the exact origination of this Blog Award. However, I did pull together some bits and pieces..

Liebster is the German word for sweetheart, beloved person, darling, dear, liked very much, favorite, preferred above others. There is 'debate' on the maximum number of follower, how many people you are to nominate, and how many facts you are to give about yourself. Some people call it a 'chain letter', and some refer to it as 'building community'. I think it is a great way to let someone know that one little person is paying attention and likes what you're doing. PLUS, it's a wonderful platform to present some excellent little reads to enhance our little lives. I know my little reader list grew!

In order to accept here are the terms I was given:

11 Facts About This Girl:

1. I didn't have a TV in my home, until this last Christmas.

2. We now have a Smart TV, but no cable. (nope not even basic)

3. I use a lot of pink, but green is my favorite color.

4. Knives freak me out.

5. I drink coffee & red wine through a straw.

6. Singing clears my mind & soothes my soul.

7. I chew my food evenly on both sides of my mouth.

8. My guilty pleasure shows are Real Housewives & Pretty Little Liars.

9. I like volume levels on increments of 5. (5,10,15,20,25,30)

10. Growing up I had straight (blonde) hair, braces, and BIG glasses.

11. I wish I had played sports when I was younger.

Presenter Questions:

1. Go back 5 or 10 years ( You pick which one) what advise are you giving the younger you?

Don't let fear hold you back from WHATEVER you want.. you ARE worth it!

2. Most people can find things to "fix" about themselves. What do you love about yourself?

My ability to be authentic in any environment.

3. Are you a "glass half full" or "glass half empty" kinda person?

I ordered a bottle! Honestly, I have learned (thru painful experience) to not look at things with a 'positive' or 'negative' perspective, because either way I will end up disappointed. I try to just accept it all in God's plan.. and God always shows me that my cup runneth over.

4. What is one goal you have for your future?

Become debt free & purchase a house! (whoops.. does that count as two?)

5. What is the theme song for your life?

"Just Keep Swimming" -Dori (Finding Nemo)

6. What was your favorite toy as a child?

I remember having a lot of Barbies (but no Kens)

7. If you could chose one fictional character or deceased historical person to spend the day with, who would it be?

Jesus. There are SO many things I want to ask him!

8. What phrase or word do you overuse the most?

"Umm.." I use it WAY more than I would like!!!!!

9. What completely creeps or grosses you out?

Veins that show and stick out. I am cringing as I am typing this!

10. If you were unable to live where you do now, where would you live?

Somewhere by an ocean!

11. Who is the most inspirational person in your life?

My Grandmother. (sorry Mom, you do inspire me too) She made immediate & distant family  her priority, and she was a constant reflection of Christ's love & servant's heart. I miss her every day and wish that I could have spent more time with her as an adult.

In no particular order:

(If you are not following any of these ladies, I suggest you hop to it!)

 - Heather Pepin - 

A VERY talented local photographer.. Love watching the way she & her husband are documenting their expected bundle of joy, as well as the whole thoughts/emotions that go along with that preparation.  I ESPECIALLY LOVE her closing Hopes, Wishes, & Dreams!

 - And that makes three - 

Following this adoption journey is really heartwarming. We don't always realize how much goes into this decision and process. The struggles & anticipation CAN be very similar to bringing a child home the 'old-fashioned' way. Although I have not had these same challenges myself, her words fill me with courage and hope. Some people are just MEANT to be parents.. this lucky baby is going to experience SO MUCH LOVE!

 - Loved. Seen. Heard. - 

A friend recently suggested this read, and I'm SO glad he did. It is an inspiring look at becoming the YOU that you were meant to be. Looking forward to reading much more!

 - Our Faith Journey - 

This Grannie sure knows how to LIVE! (just like 2 Corinthians 5:7) I happened upon her when I was searching google images for 'Faith Image" during a late night decorating brainstorm. Her header image completely derailed me from my mission, and made me start humming a choir tune from the quoted verse. Don't you love it when God speaks DIRECTLY to you? It looks as though she hasn't posted anything in almost a year, but I'm hoping that there is more to learn from her stories.

 - Mommy Monologue - 

Honestly, I can't believe that she has under 200 followers, but I'm just going off her counters on the sidebar.This smart Mommie always leaves me wanting more, and somehow knows just where I am at in my journey. I don't always get a chance to keep regularly updated with her posts, but whenever I check in, it's JUST what I need. Plus her photos of her family are 'Awww'-worthy!

I am really enjoying following these journeys (and more). When I read them it kinda makes me feels like part of an online community/extended family. Thank you to all of you (nominated or not) for taking the time and courage to put yourself out there and be real!

Nominee Questions:

1. If you had to live under the sea what kind of animal would you be? 

2. What is your least favorite household chore?

3. If you were President for a day, what is the ONE thing you would change?

4. Who is your favorite childhood icon?

5. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

6. When met with confrontation, do you fight or run?

7. What is the best dish you can cook?

8. What is the CRAZIEST thing you've ever done?

9. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

10. Can you fake any accents?

11. You wouldn't be caught dead, where?